"God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him in the midst of loss, not prosperity." --John Piper

Monday, May 30, 2011

A Long Journey (Part 17) Deciding What to Do...

I had previously started blogging about my journey (my life). I stopped doing that about a year ago. I left off where I was struggling in a second marriage. So much to consider. As I read a couple of the posts I had written, it struck me how far God has moved me in the past year. I think about some of the decisions I have made, and wonder if I should have made different ones. But I have to dismiss those thoughts, because this is where I am. Not that I can't learn from them, but I cannot let myself second guess the past and let it slow down my present.

My second marriage ended when my wife refused to return to any more counseling sessions. It was a tough decision, but one that was made easier by my son from my first marriage. I felt that he should not be subjected to abuse by a person who had no desire to face their issues. If I had to choose between a child and an adult who would not face their problems, I would choose the child.

Prior to attending counseling at all, I had made an ultimatum, we continue in counseling or I would have to leave. When she stated that she would no longer attend counseling, joint or otherwise, I had a tough choice to make. But I left that night.

I was in a different place then. I was attending church, but not really involved, being too busy with work and family issues. I wonder if it would have been different if I had been in a better place. Perhaps if I had, I never would have entered into a second marriage. I think now that what I really wanted was to give my son a sense of normalcy, and, well, that did not work out quite the way I had thought it would.

Only God knows how my mistakes echo inside of me. But they have also shaped me. They have taught me. They have drawn me closer to Him, for who else could I cling to?

I recall taking to a friend once. We were discussing our lives, and after I had shared quite a bit of mine, she remarked, "It's a wonder you have any faith left, after all you have been through." But I recall responding, "No. Without a faith in God, I don't know how else I could have gotten through all of it." I view faith not as something to hold on to because God is treating me good, but rather something that binds me to God that takes me through all things good and bad. How do you view faith?

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